(Archive) The little sparrow

It has been a controversial topic whether people should get baptized as a child. As I have grown up in China, I don't have a choice.

But deep in my heart, in the sense of Christianity, I was already baptized early in my Childhood, through that little sparrow, a lovely and innocent helpless little creature.

As I remember, it was in a cold winter day when I was 8 or 9 years old. (Maybe 7, I don't remember which year was that exactly, but it was after I started school but not long after.)
In a freezing afternoon, I found a sparrow jumping around in our front yard. Maybe because it was too cold, or she had not been able to find food to fight the weather or simply because she has been sick. But the only thing I knew was, she could not fly but just jumping around.

I caught her without any effort. I was not a naughty boy at my childhood, so I was not good at doing that kind of stuff. But it was still too easy as she didn't even try to run away, maybe because she was too weak, or maybe she was thinking it would be warmer to be hold in a human's hand.

After more than thirty years, I still clearly remember the feeling of her little fingers (or feet) jumping in my hand. She was such a little, lovely innocent creature.

Suddenly, a most evil idea jumped into my head. Will she still be able to fly after loosing her feet? How does a sparrow fly without her feet?

Out of evil curiosity I walk back into my room and took a pair of scissors, with which I carefully cut off her feet.

I didn't expect doing that would be that easy. It was almost like cutting a piece of paper. Her two feet fall into the ground without even any blood. She didn't cry or jump, just looked at me when I was doing that.

I managed to set her free from my hand. And I remember she was able to fly actively again after that. The reason might have been from the warmth gained in my hand, or just because that pain woke her up from her sickness.

But I was not able to watch her fly or see her die. When she was 1 or 2 meters above me, my heart suddenly trembled, and I quickly ran inside.

For the rest of that whole day and the day after, I did not dare to go outside. And for all the years after that day, the body of that little sparrow was always hanging inside me, deeply in my mind.

During my life time there after, whenever I was about to do something bad, she always came to remind me:

No! Please don't! Please don't hurt anybody, not even a little sparrow!

Whenever I was blaming somebody and felt difficulty to forgive, she also came tome: You too, are a sinner. And you are by far the worst among them!

After I came to America and had chance to learn Christianity, I heard that there are some people have some difficulty to accept that everybody is a sinner. But I have never had any trouble to accept I am a sinner and to confess myself. Because that little sparrow already told me the same!

---

For that little sparrow,
My little sparrow,
I built an altar in my bleeding heart.
toward which, I sing a song


To find peace for my broken heart,
to rest and cleanse my bloody hands,
I built an altar in my empty mind,
from where, I sing a song.


Take a deep breathe,
Close my blurry eyes,
I try hard to cover my heart,
and hide the scar deep inside.
But her blinking lovely eyes,
just cannot, go away!


Your mind is simple,
Your heart as crystal,
How could you've ever hurt, anyone?
By how could I, grasped by the evil king,
have crucified you.


You must have been suffering long,
Killing you might be just a relief,
But how ruthless I was,
Crashed that thin layer of the egg shell,
Your last protection,
which you depended on for live,
And let you go!


I abused your trust,
I crashed your love and respect,
Why didn't you see through my evil mind,
Why didn't you just,
simply run away?


With you body cripled by my hand,
where could you stay if you get tired,
where can you drink when get thirst,
how can you eat, even if you find food,
Only thing left with you
-- is to fly, fly and fly.

Your love was abused,
your trust must have been lost,
Even somebody want to have mercy and keep you,
After your suffering experience,
How can you trust anyone?


Even miracle happens,
and your feet grow out again,
Even when the spring comes,
among those lovely green tree branches,
How could you build your courage,
and dare to find a branch and land and stand!


How deep the damage did I cause,
How long would you keep suffering the pain,
How far could you fly in the freezing wind.
My heart is bleeding.
My mind is wrestling and suffering!


I wish, I hope,
If I could,
Instead being a coward boy,
I wish I was a standing man,
After committing that horrible sin,
I should have done some to reduce your pain.


I wish, I hope,
If I could,
I wish I could dig a time tunnel
and go long way back to thirty years ago,
I will grab a net and follow you,
follow whereever you want to go.


Not to scare you,
but to protect you,
I'll watch you strugle in the winter storm,
And let my heart suffer as you tremble;
I will just stand there,
and watch you fly!


Whenever you finally get tired,
Or just being too scared,
And if you want to take a break.
But you don't have your feet.
Please just close your eyes,
and fall.


I will always follow as close as I could,
so that I can reach you when you need,
I will follow you as close as I could,
Not to scare you,
just protect you.
And watch you fly.


As you fall,
I will reach you as surely I could,
not to catch you,
but to protect you from getting hurt.
So when you get tired,
please close your eyes,
and, just fall.


As I won't let you fall to the ground,
or to a rock,
neither to the water,
nor close to a cat,
As I will reach you,
with my net.
tenderly, as tenderly as I could!


I will keep you,
without a cage,
I will gather the finest grass,
to set up your nest,
and make your bed.


I will not keep you,
just to watch you while you rest,
so that you recover your strenth,
and restore your faith and trust,
so that you realize that life is not so bad.


I will not keep you,
As you are not my pet,
And I am not your master,
I am not your lord,
You belong to yourself,
you lovely little thing!


I will not keep you,
I will not hurt you,
And I won't let you get hurt,
Just to quietly watch,
And serve you with whatever you need!


As the spring comes,
And the flowers blosom,
Or whenever you regain your strength,
Whenever it is the time,
Freely you come,
freely you go.


I wish, I hope,
I wish I could make a miracle,
and through that miragle,
Your will grow out your new feet,
And you can restore your perfect body again.


As time passes by,
You will forget your pain,
and time will cure the scar on your heart.
While you flying between the spring flowers
I can hear again your happy cry


I will like only to watch you,
I will not catch you,
I will not hurt you,
And I won't let you get hurt, by any one.
Just leave you there,
to enjoy your beautiful life.


I will stick out my hands,
serve your favorite grain and food,
pretend that I am the tree,
and my hands are the branch,
and my fingers are the leaves.
I'll keep quiete,
and quietely, watch you play.


Please don't be afraid,
Please don't be scared,
I will not catch you,
because you belong to yourself,
freely you come, freely you go.


Please don't be afraid,
Please don't be scared,
Here is my garden,
Here is my tree,
Here is my branch, enjoy as you play.


I won't catch you,
I won't scare you,
Just to watch you and serve you.
Please enjoy as you play.
You belong to yourself,
Freely you come, freely you go.


I hope you'll forget me,
the one caused your pain,
I wish you forgive me,
while enjoy and play,


For sure you will forget,
as you have a small brain,
And you have a simple mind,
Will you forget? my lovely little thing!


But I will ever remind myself,
You are not my pet,
I am not your ower,
I am not your lord,
You'll ever belong to yourself,
freely you come, freely you go.


Hope you enjoy,
Wish you satisfy,
Here is my garden,
Here is my tree,
Here is my branch,
Freely you come, freely you go,
Freely you play, whereever you go.


Hopefully while I singing my song,
With your simple mind,
You will forget,
Whom I am and what I have done,
In front of your little eyes,
there are only garden, branches and trees.
All yours!


Hope you appreciate your life,
Hope you enjoy my gifts,
Between my fingers and limbs,
Under my hair and nails,
I will hide your nutrition and joys,
Hope you enjoy my gifts.
I believe,
you will find them yourself.


My spirit will fly,
When I hear your happy cry.
My heart will enjoy,
As you jump by.
My mental scars will heal,
If I again see your lovely happy eyes.


Here is my garden,
Here is my tree,
Here is my branch,
Take them as home,
Freely you come, freely you go.

.......

Inside my heart,
I have built an altar,
With my bleeding heart,
I'll be always,
with my sparrow song.

While I am singing, another voice joined me, and we sing together.

I am singing for my little sparrow, and he sings for all the human beings that he ever created and hurted.
I have been singing this song for many years, while he has kept singing this song for thousands and thousands of years.
Please go back and reread it over again, you will pick up his words.
After we finished our song, I knelt down for Jesus Christ, our savior.

In front of me, my sparrow was powerless, but it was exactly her powerlessness made her the powerful one to me.
Christ refused to use his power to save himself even when he was granted with the greatest power. He chosed to sacrifice his life to save everybody else, including the ones that killed him. He is indeed the most powerful one.
Jesus comes from God's creatation, but he is also the "be gotten" one. He came out of the creation as a suprise or a bonus, his love is beyond the expectation of even the creator.
Jesus is truely our savior.